IS THIS GOODBYE?

Someone made a promise to me once.
She told me goodbyes in our mouth would never have any chance.
But now she's nowhere to be found, I don't know why.
I don't even know if she's okay, all I knew was that I did cry.








A tear fell from my eye. 
And another followed, why oh why.
I thought we promised each other.
Or can't you just even remember?


I could still recall every word you said.
But those words, in the thin air faded.
You promised me, oh you promised me.
But, i know, sometimes promises are not meant to be.


Those promises you said, where are they?
I just can't believe you left without a say.
I thought our friendship's eternal.
But you disappeared unexpectedly, pal.


Maybe I'm just used to the feeling.
That I can just poke you when life's too boring.
And maybe I just missed the conversations we had.
And the conference calls that enlightened me whenever I felt bad.


Four days ago we had our last communication.
You were happy then when I texted you congratulation.
I never thought that that would be my last text to you.
And now I'm thinking so hard of what I did that made you let go.


The first three days, I was okay.
Reasoning out that you were just busy.
But then earlier this day, my tears leaked.
When I remembered the  Facebook account that you deactivated.


Maybe I'm just emotional over that one.
But how can we communicate if it's gone.
I can't even reach you on your phone.
And it it made me worry especially when I'm alone.


It hurts, and I was hurt.
For I treated you like a sister's worth.
But I'm not angry or whatsoever.
No I'm not, for in my heart, you're very dear.


My tears really pooled this day.
I just can't seem to stop it, I can't find a way.
Sadness, loneliness, hurt engulfed me.
When I remembered what you did say.


"No Goodbyes", those were the words.
The words you texted me when I was once bored.
And then we promised not to utter goodbye.
Never, was what we said, now I can only sigh.


They told me not to be bothered.
But I just can't believed you disappeared.
How can I be okay when I'm very affected?
You didn't even left a note nor you texted.


How can you do this to me, to us.
You left suddenly in a hush.
We don't have any idea were you went.
And I want to be angry with you, but I can't.


One certain song pooped in my mind, then I remembered.
"Sometimes goodbyes are not forever", it said.
Then half-way in writing this literary piece.
I noticed your name in my notification list.


A bucket-full of tears fell from my eyes.
When I realized that you never really said goodbye.
It was just the freak in me who reacted.
The freak who had her reactions exaggerated. 


I was overjoyed, but tears continuously fell.
I can't even believe that your being online was real.
You explained the situation you've undergone.
And I laughed to myself for the crying I've done.


But this is just me, and I just missed her.
The moments we had, though we're not personally together.
And now I'll be missing her more and more.
For I have to be permanently gone, but expect that it won't be forever.

I'M MISSING YOU

I can feel it..
I'm back to my old self.
Hiding behind my safe cocoon i once constructed.
Wrapped with insecurities and shyness.


I'm with my group mates now.
But I felt separated.
I'm here talking on and on.
But it felt like were not in the same dimension.


I think of you and I want to cry.
I don't want to, but I said goodbye.
I wish I could change the situation I am in.
But this is what God had planned and given.


The corners of my eyes misted.
Again, I want to cry, but I resisted.
How I wish that the clock would run fast.
For in this early time, I already miss you that much.

..AND I HATE THAT WORD

Comparison, I loathe that word,
And the whole gamut of emotions it bode.
Frustration screamed in me,
Every time I am compared openly.

Why just can't they forget it,
That, that certain word exist.
When most of the time it brings,
Sorrows and some unpleasant feelings.

How could you take it, if put in such situation.
With an audience and a mocking accusation.
How would you react to that blatant accusation?
When you were innocent of the forthcoming  mockery.

I may abhor it, but I'm accustomed to it now.
Not to display any emotion, was what I vowed.
For an exposition of just a hint of of what I feel.
Is a weakness I refuse to reveal.

AN ANECDOTE OF MY FIRST HEARTACHE

When I first saw you, it was just a crush.
A teener's admiration in a hush.
An admiration turned puppy love.
A simple uncomplicated feeling I had.


We were freshmen then, and on our second semester.
We were in the same PE dance class, I could still remember.
Although we were not in the same group nor partners.
I was more than contented to see you laughing with your peers.


Winter came, so with summer spring and fall.
A year had gone by the more I droll.
I would give anything just to be a constant company of you.
Anything to be there wherever you go.


But then fate intervened.
Oh, I loved its manipulations then.
I could have thank fate for everything it did.
It seems to acknowledge, I'm no more a kid.


I hardly could imagine,
That in reality it would happen.
For in our junior year I was transferred to your class.
And was befriended with you that fast.


My happiness was unfathomable.
When I learned you remembered me and all.
Learning you could still recall,
Who I was and what our NSTP group did that fall.


Fate had been so good to be true.
Making me a part of the Nursing Research group where the leader was you.
Then and there I came to know you more.
And for me, you were not end never had been a bore.


Yes, our classmate was your sweetheart that time.
But my heart never seems to mind.
Because deep in my heart I knew.
That you won't last in my point of view.


Yes you two didn't work it out.
Due to the many rows you both had, I doubt.
Much for my gladness, I still felt sad.
Seeing you brokenhearted, crying and sad.


And the a year or more was what I've been longing for.
When six time a week my heart would soar.
Three days in class, three days in the same hospital duties with you.
Was what my heart's always craving to do.


During our senior year, I knew my feelings intensified.
But as always, I had to hide.
Afraid for the outcomes of my feelings if you knew.
Afraid for our friendship to end, one thing I might rue.


You were oblivious to my feelings.
The way I wanted it, to be hidden.
But deep in my heart I knew.
I wanted you badly to be my beau.


But every time I got a chance to say.
Even my bravado failed to convey.
How could my non-existing courage help me be.
When even my guts betrayed me.


I am a traditional Filipina, as in my blood it runs.
And I am to behave like a proper one.
I am not supposed to reveal what I really feel.
But wait for you even if it's like waiting for snow in hell.


School year was then to be over.
But I was still waiting, almost in tears.
Since that first Sunday I laid my eyes on you.
Up to now that we were to graduate, I am still yearning for you.


My faith and hopes died.
When I saw you walking by her side.
Extreme sadness, excruciating pain and cold numbness struck me.
When I saw you were grinning, contented and very happy.


What more was I to do?
but to say goodbye to the feeling I had for you.
Although I was hurt I had to say.
that the four blissful and agonizing years of waiting didn't pay.


More or so. I was happy to let you go.
I can't force you to love me too.
But I knew I had to request A friendly hug from you.
Which you obliged during Recollection, not knowing I loved you.


Yes, you hugged me for three seconds or so.
And whispered in my ears, "I'll miss you".
My euphoric heart did galloped.
But then you added, "together with your group".


It may be hard for me to let go.
The love that I've been cultivating for years or so.
But I can't dwell on my unreciprocated feelings.
Cause I knew Kismet would pay my heartaches for a worthy being.


So here I am.
Waiting for my feelings to calm down.
And for the last time, savoring the taste of my love for you.
The bittersweet taste of an unrequited love kills me to sorrow.

A SHADE OF YOU

I've been way too long in the darkness,
In the abyss of death, terror and so much unhappiness.
Light, even a spark is a chimera.
How come I was born in this despicable miasma?

My eyes were wide open to the disarray of my environment.
And my poor wounded and scarred heart's fed up from imprisonment.
Oh this wretched situation I am in,
When will I be free from this annihilating den?

I've been praying for so long,
That someday I will have someone to belong.
But I've got no one to turn to, no one to trust.
For this place is nothing but gloom, shabby remains and dusts.

And then I saw a grayish hue,
I tried to blink from astonishment, but it won't go.
I've been dreaming of this for some times,
But anticipation for me is a crime.

I tried to block from my mind that growing tint.
Afraid that it might not be real nor a hint.
That a forthcoming change in my life is near,
For rejection, rebuff and others of that ilk, is what I've always feared.

But the gray I saw glowed and spread,
Shading my dim world with a hint of something red.
I was dumbfounded to everything I could see.
But still the change is an enigma to me.

Now my life's changed at full pelt.
I am ecstatic, pleasured and confident up to the hilt.
For that hue that shaded my life in different colors,
Is the YOU that's been missing in my life before..

YOU MADE ME SMILE

In my small circle of selected friends,
I never thought that I would befriend my fellow book fiends.
Friendship that was built by instinct and trust.
Friendship that we started from scratch.


Although we came from different lands.
Spoke our dialect unknown to some.
We were bonded by that invisible bond.
The bond that made us understand every matter on hand.


When I first visited the site.
I was rather full of fright.
For I feared I might be rejected on sight.
But how wrong was I,for they welcomed me with blight.


I was greeted with arms wide open.
My queries were all answered then.
And while I was exploring my limited visiting grounds.
I met two new lovely friends who were willing to stay around.


They voluntarily helped me finished what was asked.
Gleaning 20 post was then for me, an easy task.
I was very thankful when I saw the whole forum at last.
And was awed by TOP's world that's so vast.


I've always been shy to strangers.
Hiding in my secure cocoon surrounded with fears.
But here, I never felt like that.
It's so queer and I don't care a jot.








Things changed so fast.
Time flew and passed.
I can't believe I've been here for two months and a half.
And in the duration of my stay, I laughed, laughed and laughed.


I'm not really friendly to strangers, may it be man or woman.
I retreat to my safe grounds whenever I happen to meet one.
But to my new-found friends, my soul is bare.
I opened up, what i never used to share.


I am contented to keep inside what I feel.
Even to my best buddies I am too shy to whisper what I want to yell.
A schizoid and a loner was I.
Happy to be alone with myself yet I don't know why.


Since I joined the group.
Changes had me engulfed.
My self-esteem lifted a little higher.
I have gained a confidence I can wear.


As now, I've got four close friends.
The closest I have in which I never choose nor intends.
They are someone I can talk to though how busy I am.
Some one who are willing to listen and stay around.


They're not just an outlet to where I pour my heart out.
Nor my second opinions whenever I'm in doubt.
But they're my best anonymous chum.
Whom I've known through an online fun.








I may not mention your names.
You knew who you are, whom in my life came.
And if I am to swallow the most acrid bile.
I'll still have this glow in my face behind every unfortunate vile.
For its you who made me wear these charming little smiles .

A WHISPER OF LOVE: AN ANECDOTE

Hair rising, tingly feelings.
Heart's fluttering and face's flushing.
How can I be normal when you're near?
When my inside was a mixed emotion of joy, anxiety and fear.

Your face in the back of my eye.
Your name's in my lips to cry.
With your all male and musky scent in this nose of mine.
And the very image of your well-built form, etched in my mind.

How could fate be so bad.
When it's you I've always been wishing to have.
Maybe I did something wrong.
To have fate punished me this long.

Every time you walk by, my heart would sigh.
Wearing that boyish grin and that lovely smile.
Though I'm afar watching intensely,
It felt like you're just an arm's length near me.

I know I have to get over you.
Soon but not yet though.
For I love the intensity of my feelings for you.
Though you're oblivious how much I do.

There was once you pinched my cheek, one rainy morn.
And oh, how I love to interpret it as a caress 'till I'm worn.
I could still remember your warm hand against the cool morning breeze.
And the novelty frisson ricocheted down to my knees when to you I gazed.

I used to reprimand myself and would say, "get a grip".
And stop the nonsense daydreaming before it gets too deep.
But my heart's just too stubborn and wayward.
And it refused to succumb, now I fell so hard.

You crept all over me, seeping into my vein.
Containing my blood streams, now I have to feign.
Feigning my every move every time you're near.
Is my knee-jerk reaction to hide from you that I cared.

But my eyes were wide open to the reality.
That having you is utterly insanity.
For you have had a lover.
A woman in my heart so dear.

Yes, you're happily and contentedly in love with her.
My best friend and in my heart, a sister.
Wait for my feelings to die that's what I should do.
Though in my heart I'll always say, sotto voce, I LOVE YOU.

WHEN WE TWO MET

I was once so lost.
With nothing, not even my self-confidence to boast.
I was child of silence and oblivion.
With only loneliness as my companion.

I've never got the chance to mature up.
For in this naivety, I was fully entrapped.
Trapped in his world of juvenility.
This world that comes to bore me to insanity.

And then I got a chance to escape.
But more confusion to me was draped.
I then wished I never let my dark familiar environs.
For there I know where to find solace in times of confusions.

I roamed around every dark alleys.
Rumagging the sidewalks with answers to my queries.
But then I found a gaped door, enticing me to set a foot in.
which I reluctantly did, but was the amazed by he different colors I've never once seen.

In my Stygian life,
I've always been wishing for a spark of light.
But not just a flicker gleamed,
For a whole spectrum of light in my face beamed.

You painted my null life with shining gold.
You shaded my dreams with red, so bold.
You hinted my dusky and drab thoughts wih bright yellow.
You tinted with scintillating blue all of my unlit hollows.

You dyed with lustrous orange every corners of my unilluminated insides.
You tinged with lively green all of the parts of me that almost died.
You toned my wan complexion with glossy pink.
You stained the glooms of my skies with the most glowing white I could ever think.

The once lost child was never to be seen.
Replaced by a woman with so much curiosity to quench.
Sipping every tidbits of information I could glean.
Covering with exuberant and vivacious images all of my memories of that sable place I've been.

I am a changed woman in every aspects that you'll see.
For you inspired me to be who I want to be.
I am a woman with a good and straight look at the future,
Just because I took a peep at your door.

I never thought change could be this good.
Bu I am adjusting as contentedly as I could.
I am making my way in achieving my dreams that was once ruined.
Letting my pessimistic thoughts be carried by the winds.

Oh. of all he great things you did,
Can I ever pay your every good deeds?
Of every ideas and thoughts you installed in my mind,
Can I ever replace it in kind?

Can I ever pay all the things to you I'm indebted?
Can I ever return every lessons in my mind you fed?
Can I ever recompense you for supplying my every literary needs?
At least, let me thank you for waking up my once sleepy head.

I never thought that I could reach this point of my life.
When writing my thoughts is not anymore a strife.
You restored and encouraged every savable fibers of my being.
That was never destructed by that catastrophic world I was residing.

I never had a dream that was fulfilled, I recall.
But now, dreaming and wishing are very much possible.
I never thought these yearnings would be set.
But it did, when we two met.

THE INSIDE

I write for I love it.
I write what I felt.
I write for I feel free.
I write when my emotions permit me.

I write not because I'm bored.
I write because I am endowed.
I write to conform and to inform.
I write to entertain and to what I can attain.

Superficially, I felt like that.
But in my inside, there are secret reasons that sat.
The myriad reasons why I did write.
The same reasons that I covered with blithe.


Inside me...

I write to ease my bruised heart.
I write to soothe my pent-up feelings for a start.
I write to vent my emotional baggage.
I write to liberate my heart that's in a cage.

I write to occupy my thoughts.
I write every screaming sentiments I caught.
I write to cover the negative notions in my mind.
I write every little ideas I can find.

I write to keep loneliness at bay.
I write to keep insanities away.
I write what I can't say.
I write when my vocals fails me.

I write to be understood.
I write every time I could.
I write when I never should have.
I write for it is my countless emotional wound's only salve.


<bow>

WHERE TO?

I am just a vagrant in this vast world of nothingness.

This world of shattered dreams and battered hopes.

A mere being full of wanderlust.

In this dilapidated planet of naught but dusts.

I have been travelling far so long.

Across distant lands, deserts and oceans.

I've been frozen from the coldest snow storm,

And been charred by the scorching sun.

There's nothing, no one but me, I can see.

I saw no animal, nor mammal but the two-legged me.

Not a thing, but the never-ending mountain range and streams.

And the burning desire that fired-up my every dreams.

Dreams that were the sole reason I hold on to this thread.

The thread that keep me from slipping away from my creed.

My creed that persist me from being alive.

For living is my lone intention in this life.

But now I'm in a deadlock, in a full stop.

Like water in pool, as stagnant as the tree sap.

The globetrotter in me wants to have somewhere to go.

But in this world of oblivion, WHERE TO?

WHERE IS MY HAPPY ENDS

I hate love stories
a happily-ever-after kind of thing.
They kept on telling me lies,
lies about happy-endings , true loves and their kind.
They kept me going on daydreaming, that someday,
 I would have my prince charming, astriding on his white horse,
rescuing me from the bitches and witches of my life.

I hate it, I hate it.
But I keep watching anyway..

=)

AN UNREQUITED LOVE

I believed in happy-endings.
Maybe because I let myself indulge,
In the feelings of happiness and joy.

But no happy ever afters and fairy-tale endings exist,
I realized now.

Now that I cant have him.
Him that my young innocent heart adored,
for years now.

Adoration that turned to be love nurtured
Love nurtured inside of me.
Love developed but not reciprocated.


<sigh>


If  only I can teach my heart whom to fall in live with,
And if only falling out of love is as easy as learning my ABC...

ALONE

I shut them out of my life
And I don't know why
They're part of me
But I see no tie

I love them,
And I really do.
But to them,
 I am a foe.

I don't open up to them,
But they don't seem to care
I made efforts to reach out
But they turned me down flat.

<sigh>

I guess I'm on my own
In my own world alone.
The world where I'm perfectly understood
And in every thing I am all good

The world where i belong
The world I know all along.

REJECTION

I said "I love you"
They said nothing
Every word I said
I had my emotions in it.
But they seem to have doubt
Seem to disregard the feelings I had.

I felt rejected, I felt unloved
Exhausted,gutted and well fed-up
I seem to love the wrong person
I seem to love but remained alone

I wish my love's gone, buried and hidden away
Never to be disturbed and deep in my heart to where it lays.

A FATE-DEPRIVED HEART'S PLEA

I love him, he loves me
I thought it was perfect to reality

But..

He is heaven and I'm just a dirt
Fate conspired against us to death

He is a mansion, I'm just a shack
destiny omits our story and that's a fact

He's a diamond, I'm just a cobble stone
Love's just so cruel to forget us alone

He is a bill and I'm just a penny
To hit us Cupid could have been blind to see

What am I to do in this heart of mine
When all the world is so unkind

Aphrodite left me to wander all alone
With bleeding heart and an unknown sin to atone..